


The art of learning to live again

by janiex98



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Dan and Phil are the same age, Depression, Drugs, First Kiss, First Time, Love, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Smut, Strangers to Lovers, dan doesn't belive in love Phil does, dan is depressed, phil has an abusive father, relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-24 06:36:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10736181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janiex98/pseuds/janiex98
Summary: Phil has an abusive father and he and his mum leave their home and move to london after his dad took it too far and hit his own son.Dan doesn't believe in love and tries to sleep with as many people as possible to feel at least something through his depression. Then he meets some strange boy with blue eyes who gives him a reason to live again.





	1. The day it happened (Phil)

**Author's Note:**

> Is anyone interested in being a betareader? Because english is not my mother tongue and there are probably a lot of mistakes in this. ^-^
> 
> I will change between Phil's and Dan's perspective every chapter. They will meet soon, don't worry. :)

\- 4 weeks earlier -

Overall Phil Lester was an happy child. Or at least he was when his dad wasn't angry.  
And his father got angry a lot. But it got never as bad as on this night.  
This horrible horrible night that led to him and his mother waiting at the trainstation, with their bags standing besides them.  
It was freezing cold outside and the only thing they heard was their own breathing and some traffic noises in the distance.  
His mum tried to appear strong to him, confident in what they would do next but even Phil knew that his mother was exactly as clueless as him.  
She nibbled her fingernails as an nervous habit and tried to calm her slightly panicked breathing. Phil wasn't sure if he was scared. He knew he should be but he just felt numb and confused.  
He would've never imagined his own father; the man who helped him sometimes in school and called him a genius because of his good grades; hitting him - his own son.  
It wasn't the fact that it hurt so bad that Phil fell down on the floor like a limbless body or the fact that his father then continued to kick him in the stomach or the fact that his father then spit on him, left the house and slammed the door; that suprised Phil.  
He was used to his father getting angry because of the smallest things and he was used to smell the disgusting scent of alcohol when his dad was near him and he was also used to hearing his parents scream at each other nearly every night and he was also used to seeing bruises all over his mums body.  
But he wasn't used to his father treating him like that.  
It was an awful thing to think, Phil knew that.  
Everytime he saw bruises on his mum's body in the past he just tried to forget about it, because he just couldn't imagine his father doing that to his own wife that he loved.  
And he didn't want to, to be honest. He loved his dad and he knew he shouldn't; but he did.

And now while he and his mum were standing at the trainstation in the darkness of the night, he felt guilty about it.  
Usually his father apologized to his mum after he got angry and hurt her physically and mentally. Ususally he did that.  
Phil knew that that still didn't make it fine but before this night he pretended that it was fine and that it was normal. And his mother did the same.  
She forgave her husband when he kissed her tears away and caressed her reddish hurting face; but after she saw him hitting their own son, she just couldn't forgive him anymore.

Phil remembered his mum screaming after his dad left the house this night and her helping him up from the floor.

"Phil I'm so sorry, I never wanted this to happen. Everything will be okay, I swear.", she whispered and hugged him.

Only when she started crying, Phil felt his own tears on his cheeks and put his head tiredly on his mothers shoulder and put his arms tightly around her back.  
"Mum what do we do now? What will we do when he comes back?"

"We won't be here when he comes back", she said trying to hold a steady voice, trying to be strong for her only son.  
Phil then lifted his head and looked at her confused but before he could ask 'why', she answered the question he had in mind.  
"We are going away, Phil. Somewhere that is not here. Away from him."

They both packed their stuff in hurry after that, both scared that he would come home before they were finished.

The drive with the taxi to the trainstation was a blur but he still noticed the worried facial expression of the driver when he saw their faces and their bags.  
But after he asked Phil's mum what happened to them and if he should call the police, his mum just shaked her head and assured him that everything was fine.  
The driver didn't believe them; Phil could see that.  
But after all it wasn't his problem to deal with, it was theirs.  
   
The noise of the incoming train stopped Phil's thought and he stared at his mum's face instead of thinking about the occurences this night. This awful awful night.

"Come on, this is our train. Give me your bag."

Phil refused to give her the bag and carried it himself inside the train.  
He and his mum sat down on one of the trainbenches and just breathed out in relief for a moment. His father wasn't here. He didn't follow them here.  
They've gotten away.  
Phil wondered if he would ever see his father again and he felt guilty again when he felt him wanting to see him again. It was his father after all.  
And just like his mum he still hoped that his father would change for the better.  
He hoped his father would stop drinking one day and just apologize for everything he's done to his wife and treat her like a princess and like the best thing that ever happened to him again; like he treated her before he started drinking.

Sometimes Phil wondered if it was his fault that his dad changed for the worst but when he asked his mother once if that was true, she assured him that it wasn't.  
And she told him that he was the best thing that ever happened to her and that she loved him very much.  
Phil looked at his mum who was staring out of the window watching the landscape outside moving besides them. Once again Phil thought about how beautiful his mum was.  
Brown long slightly curly hair and bluegreen eyes.  
She looked young for her age and Phil knew that people that saw her when she was in town with him, noticed how beautiful she was too. 

 

In that moment Phil just felt a lot of love for his mum and just wished that he would've done something in the past when his father hurt her.  
He should've protected her when nobody else did.  
He owed her that.  
On this night it was the first time Phil tried to do something to help her. But it didn't work out like he imagined it.  
He wasn't a strong brave superhero like in the movies he watched with his dad lots of times.  
He was just Phil.  
He was tall for his 15 years that was for sure, but he wasn't muscular at all and when he saw his father's hand above his face ready to slap him, Phil just flinched and closed his eyes until he felt the pain.  
No, Phil Lester wasn't brave at all and he hated himself for that.

"Try to sleep, it's gonna be a long train ride until we're there", his mum murmured barely audible.

"Where are we going?", Phil leaned his head on the window and closed his eyes.

"London."  
   
A few hours later Phil awoke with a headache. For some reason he always woke up with a headache after he took a nap.  
He groaned and looked around. For a moment he was confused where he was but then he remembered again. He looked over to his mum who gave him a small smile.

"I tried to wake you for like three minutes already, I swear you sleep like a stone."

"Stones don't sleep", Phil said dryly.

"Oh really? That's news to me", his mothers voice dripping from sarcasm. She looked tired. 

"What do we do now?", Phil asked not sure if his mother even got an answer to that question.

"I don't know. But I'll figure something out. We'll leave the train in a few minutes and search for a hotel for the rest of the night and tomorrow I need to find a job. Everything will be okay."

Phil wasn't sure if that was the truth but he didn't say anything.  
He just hoped that everything would be better from now on.  
He hoped that his mum's body wouldn't be full of bruises anymore.  
He hoped that his mother's soul would heal from all the pain she experienced. 

And most of all he hoped that he and his mum would be happy here.


	2. 8 weeks later (Dan)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the cringe haha. :D I think I wrote this one year ago and I just found it again and I was like whatever I'm going to post it. xD In case you all think dan's behavior is exaggerated: I wanted him to have borderline disorder in my story because I myself got diagnosed with it as I was writing this chapter in the clinic and some things he does is something I would do in real life, even tho it may not seem that realistic when you read it.

"Yeah, choke on my dick. Do you like to feel my huge dick in your throat, Baby?"  
Dan nearly started laughing. Adam's dick wasn't even anywhere near his throat and more like the opposite of 'huge'. Also Dan didn't have a gag reflex anyway so that wouldn't be exactly a problem.  
He took Adam's dick deeper to be the one more in control because even tho he was the one who was kneeling in front of Adam in the dirty bathroom of their school, he was able to control the situation, to get reactions out of that boy in front of him that he barely knew.   
It wasn't like Dan felt really pleasure during his 'bathroommeetings',   
he just needed to feel something again and to be the one in control.   
It amused Dan that Adam tried not to use his name even tho he knew it was 'Dan'.  
It wasn't new to him; a lot of guys tried to forget that it was a boy that blew them and not a girl. But a lot of his 'acquaintances' came more than one time because Dan was just good in what he was doing.   
Adam started moaning louder and the thought of someone walking in on them excited Dan and he felt the adrenaline rushing through his vanes. He held Adam's legs still and twirled his tongue around his dick. Soon after, he felt the salty and bitter taste in his mouth and throat and looked at Adam's pleasured face. His eyes were closed and his brown hair fell over his sweaty face.  
Dan stood up while swallowing Adam's cum and looked at himself in the mirror.   
He was disgusted at what he saw. Blinked twice. Felt like he was a stranger.  
Dan started walking towards the bathroomdoor and looked back at Adam shortly.  
"Maybe you should lift your pants up and close the zip, just a tip", he said and blinked at the boy.  
"Hey!", Adam called. "No word about this, is that clear?! This never happened."  
"No shit sherlock, nobody would want to know about your small dick anyway.", Dan said and left the perflexed Adam alone in the bathroom to enter the hallway. It was nearly empty, which wasn't surpsising because right now everyone had schoollessons and until the break, there were still 20 minutes left. Dan left his classroom a while ago just before the teacher came because he felt himself drift deeper and deeper into the dissociation and he needed a way to distract himself and to feel himself again. To feel alive. To feel like he had control again.   
Only one other student was in the hallway and after Dan started walking more in his direction,  
he realised that that boy must be new because he never saw him before.  
He was pretty sure he would've realised seeing him if he would've been here before because he had black hair and an emo fringe just like himself just that he had brown hair instead of black.  
"You look like a lost puppy", Dan grinned.  
The new student flinged but then smiled shyly. He lifted his arm and moved his hand so it looked like a paw. "Woof."  
When Dan heard that noise he felt like he was overwhelmed by how cute he sounded.  
"Wow now I'm scared. Please don't bite me", Dan tilted his head and started really looking at the boy. He noticed his incredible blue eyes and that he was nearly as tall as him.  
"Hhm, Actually I wouldn't mind that much if you would bite me", Dan just hoped that if the boy wasn't into his own gender he would take this sentence as a joke and not be scared off, but at the same time if he would be scared off Dan didn't exactly wanted to get to know him.  
"Why would I bite you?", the boy asked confused.  
'Wow, Virgin-Alert', thought Dan. But for some reason that boy's innocence made him even more cute. "Why are you on the hallway by the way?", Dan changed the topic.  
The boy pressed the books he held at his chest and looked a bit lost.  
"Well, I should be in room A25 but I couldn't find it and now I'm late anyway, which is great, because this is my first day here and the teachers probably already hate me", the boy tried to look at some of the papers he held, failed and half of the stuff he was holding fell on the floor.  
Dan laughed but stopped when he saw that the boy looked incredibly embarassed.   
"How can I be such a failure in life?", the boy asked nobody specific and smiled a bit but Dan saw that his eyes weren't smiling.  
"The teachers hate everyone here anyway so why do you care?", Dan asked and helped him to collect his papers and books from the floor.  
The boy shrugged with his shoulders. "I just don't want someone to feel bad because of me..."  
"Wow you're precious. It will be fine...-" "It's Phil. Well, actually Phillip Michael Lester but that sounds so lame and everyone calls me Phil anyway."  
"Well Phil, the teachers aren't actually that bad here so they probably will understand. It's your first day. You're allowed to fuck up a bit. Look at me. I'm here since the 5th grade and trust me I fuck up A LOT and the teachers still always give me a new chance. As long as your grades aren't that bad and you at least turn up sometimes it will be fine."  
Phil pressed his lips together. "Thanks, but what should I do now?"  
"I don't know, the break is soon anyway, so do you want to get out of here?"  
"Out of here?"  
"Jesus, don't look so scared. I meant if you want to go with me outside not to completely skip school."  
"Why?"  
"Why not?", Dan blinked.  
"But what do you want to do?", Phil asked warily.

"Whatever the hell you want, Phillip Michael Lester."

With those words Dan left the hallway and started smiling when he heard hasty steps behind him.

 

A few minutes later they were sitting on a bench near a small lake.  
"It's Dan by the way."  
"Huh?"  
"My name. It's Dan. Well actually it's Daniel James Howell but that sounds so lame and everyone calls me Dan anyway."  
"Good to know. I'm Phil."  
Dan laughed. "You said that already."  
Phil looked a bit emberassed. "Sorry...", he murmured.  
"Wow, you're such a Dork Phil Lester."  
"I know..."  
"That's a good thing, don't worry."  
Phil smiled shyly. "If you say that it must be true."  
Dan rummaged in his bag and his face filled with triumph when he found what he searched for.  
He put the joint between his lips and lighted it.  
"Do you want to smoke a bit as well?"  
Phil's eyes grew wider and he looked around himself, scared that someone would see them.  
"Isn't that illegal?"  
"Yup, where is the fun in anything legal?"  
"I've never...-"  
"You never had a joint before?", Dan wondered.  
"I never even smoked a cigarette."  
'Such an innocent boy', Dan thought to himself.   
While he inhaled the smoke he looked at the lake and felt the impulse to just jump into the dark blue nothingness. He imagined to feel the cold water around him and to swallow him whole. To feel his body completely, to feel something.

 

'Am I happy right now?', Dan thought to himself. He wasn't exactly happy, but he wasn't unhappy either right now. He was grateful that he wasn't alone out here and that he had Phil that he immidiately felt comfortable around with. Those moments where he felt nothing scared him the most. Because then he couldn't even feel love. Then he felt like he wouldn't even care if someone close to him died. He would look at some person laughing in those moments and not be able to understand why that person was laughing and how happiness felt like. It was just pure emptyness, nothingless,- like the lake.   
While he started drifting more and more into his thoughts he felt the relaxtion that he got from the joint and Phil's pure presence leave his body and he felt how he lost control over himself.  
He needed to feel himself, to feel real again. Do something.

"Let's go for a swim", he decided.  
"What?"  
"Let's go swim."  
"I heard you, but what?!"  
"I want to go swim", Dan threw the joint on the ground and took his jacket off.  
He needed to do this, he had to and he wanted to.   
When he started undoing his belt that wasn't doing a good job in holding his pants up anyway, Phil stood up abruptly.   
"Fuck, are you serious?"  
Dan nodded.  
"You're crazy."

"Damn right I am."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I even started writing chapter 3 back in 2017, but sadly didn't finish it. :/

'What the fuck.What the fuck.What the fuck.What the actual fuck', Phil thought.  
"Dan isn't that school property?"  
"Yep."  
"I don't think that's allowed..."  
"I KNOW for sure it's not allowed. I'll probably get detention if they'll catch me."  
"So why do it?"  
"The trick is to not get caught", he winked at Phil and was already lifting his shirt up when the schoolbell rang.  
Phil let out a relieved sigh. 'Thank god.'  
"Can you show me maybe where my classroom is now?", Phil noticed how cold it got in the few minutes they were out here. Dark clouds started covering the sky and it smelled like it would rain soon. He tightened his jacked and put his arms around his chest.  
"Like I said, whatever the hell you want", Dan answered and had a dissapointed look on his face.  
If Phil saw it correctly he even looked a bit scared but he wasn't sure.  
They weren't talking during the minutes it took to get to the classroom. It wasn't a comfortable silence either because Dan seemed a bit off and like something changed in him since the 'lakeincident'. Phil didn't want to say anything because after all he barely knew the boy besides him.  
When they both reached the classroom Dan stopped and Phil turned around.  
"Aren't you going in?"  
"Not a chance."  
"Oh right, are you even in my class?"  
"That depends on which class you are attending. But I don't think so because my schoollesson takes place in room A22 now. Doesn't matter tho. I'm going home."  
Without another word Dan left the confused Phil behind and he was confronted with his new class alone. New faces were staring at him now and Phil suddenly felt anxious. During his and Dan's conversation he had forgotten his fear of being the 'new boy' in school and now he was suddenly on his own-,awkwardly standing there-, and not saying anything.  
The young looking teacher at the front was looking at him now with a strict expression and was probably waiting for Phil to say something.  
"Mister Lester, why weren't you in your first class?"  
'Because I'm a failure in life', Phil thought to himself.  
Saying that it was because he was talking to some strange boy outside who was smoking a joint and wanted to go swim was probably not the right option either   
to excuse himself.  
"I'm so sorry, I got lost", he stuttered instead, which was at least partly true.  
Some blond girl smiled at him then and Phil immidiately liked her. She seemed honest with her smile and her front teeth had a small empty space between them, which looked kinda cute.  
"I understand. Don't worry, it's okay...", the teacher looked at his papers which had the namelist of this class on them, "Phil. Just search for a place you can sit and just ask someone the next time you can't find the classroom."  
Phil smiled and went into the direction of the blond girl. Thankfully the place besides her was empty. "Can I sit here?", he asked.  
"Sure", she smiled again.  
Phil sat down and opened his schoolbag to put his maps and pens on the table.  
"What's your name by the way?"  
"Luise. Why did you change to this school?"  
Phil suddenly felt uncomfortable because he didn't want to share every detail of the reason why he moved here.  
"My parents got divorced and I stayed with my mum. We moved here a few weeks ago", he said. That was at least as near to the truth as he could tell her.


End file.
